Deja vu

It happened four years ago. It was winter and I was living for some years in the wonderful city of Budapest. I was balancing between many things a student usually does when he is getting close to university finish line. I was already preparing the basics of my master thesis, however not all of my exams were done so I had to study for those as well. Being an autonomous student, I was working next to the master studies. And let’s not forget that I was still part of the student life, with many friends around and I had a wonderful girlfriend whom I loved spending time with. It was high pace but it felt really good. Weekdays started at 6 AM, usually with university in the mornings, sometimes exams. As I had some free time slots, I was working on the thesis or learning for the next exam. Some afternoons and the weekends were usually work. I was working at a television broadcasting company specialized in sport events, so sometimes we finished at 10 PM, sometimes at midnight and sometimes we still had to drive 200 kilometers home. The rest of the time was divided between girlfriend, friends, sport and sleep, usually in this order of preference, however sometimes sleep won over all. High tempo, young adult lifestyle in a European big city. I liked every moment of it. I was preparing for a 3 week trip in Germany to start working on my thesis at a company. I remember, I was looking forward to only concentrate on one thing during these 3 weeks.

It was Friday. It was the end of a 2 week long sport event in Budapest, which meant work all week long. I had 2 exams during these 2 weeks. I learned in each free moment I had, on the subway, during lunchtime and even if we had to wait during work I had my book there and I started reading. Exams went good and I was glad these 2 weeks were over. Work was done and we were ready to leave. I went to get my things and on the way back I had to jump down from a higher platform. Did that probably numerous times for 2 weeks, so I did it again. But this time the carpet was moved, I didn’t see where the edge of the landing platform was and I jumped with my right leg directly in the edge of a hole. My right ankle rotated under me, I heard a big crack and felt such an intensive pain I never felt before.

– Ahhh – came out between my teeth and tried to walk further as nothing happened. I used to hike a lot in the mountains, this happened already many times, it hurts a bit but after few steps it goes away. But not that time. It didn’t go away, actually it got worse. I could not step on that leg after some seconds. I think that was the point I realized that this is more serious than I thought. A guy came to give me a help. I sat down but it was getting worse. I decided to go to the hospital with the help of a colleague. The traumatology hospital was nearby, we arrived and sat in the waiting room. The pain was getting worse, however I still believed it was only a small accident, they will just send me home to rest. The door opened and they called me in. It was an old doctor, who looked a big grumpy but still trustworthy. I think he have seen more serious injuries than mine.

– How can I help you, young man? – asked he.

– I misstepped and I have strong pain in my ankle – came the answer from me. At this point I realized the joke I just did. In Hungarian misstepped has two meanings, the second meaning is to carry on with somebody. They started laughing. Me too … bittersweet.

– That has to be serious – he answered – let me see your ankle. He took my ankle into his hands, looked at it and then he suddenly pushed one single point on it with his finger.

– Aaah, that hurts – I shouted.

– Let’s do an x-ray scan – came the verdict – we’ll talk after that.

I got a wheelchair and went down for the x-ray scanner room. The guy was helpful we were done quickly. I started to familiarize with the thought that maybe it won’t be an easy evening. Back to the doctor, waiting. Suddenly the door opened, he called my name. I rolled into the room, where he greeted me:

– Young man, you are really lucky…

– Oh yes – it’s not serious, I took some breath.

– But, it’s fractured – he finished his sentence. My world collapsed at that point.

– No, that cannot be. This is just a bad dream – I answered, while small tears jumped into my eyes.

– Come, check the X-ray image yourself – he answered. I went there and I didn’t see the fracture on the image:

– I cannot see anything.

– That’s why you are lucky, the whole end of the bone is fractured, but it is not dislocated, so you don’t have to undergo surgery – He showed me the line of the fracture on the image and yes, there was a continuous fracture line trough the end of the fibula. I was still sitting in the wheelchair, with my shoe taken off my right leg while holding that shoe in my hands.

– Did you wear that shoe? – he asked while I was holding my Meindel Borneo hiking boots which I got as a Christmas preset one month before.

– Yes, I did.

– Good shoes, they just saved you form a surgery. It was long time ago when I saw such an ankle fracture without dislocation. You are lucky.

The hiking boots were new, hence I was wearing them really tight to get the shape of my feet as they are leather shoes. At that point I realized that they really saved me from a surgery, it was definitely worth buying them. I had to have a cast for one week and had to stay in bed all the time to reduce swelling. After one week I was going to receive a cast for 5 weeks which I can walk with. The nurses showed me, how can I do the injections for myself. I learned a lot in those 10 minutes. They brought a hospital bed and told me I have to lay on that. Bad dream was coming true. I went down one level where they applied the moulder cast. On the door there was a huge sign to turn off cell phones. The guy came out and called for my name. I made a sign that here I am, but I’m on a bed. He pushed me inside and I had to put my leg on his table.

– Maybe it would be a good idea to get off your jeans – he told me – else you need to cut it or wear it for a week.

– Hm… okay… but what can I wear then? It’s winter.

– Take this blanket – he answered, and gave me a blanked he just found there.

– Can I take this home?

– Nope.

– May I call my girlfriend to bring me training trousers which I can wear above the cast? – I didn’t like the blanket idea.

– Of course – came the answer.

– But I am not allowed to use cell phones here.

– Oh you are, that sign is for the rude people, you are friendly. Call her and in the meantime I take my dinner.

– Okay, what an evening – I was thinking.

I called my girlfriend, who of course was shocked. But she was bringing me the trousers. I got my cast and then she arrived as well. I went home and I had to lay in bed for 1 week, I could only go out to the toilet. The first nights were awful. Couldn’t sleep a minute, the pain was enormous and I couldn’t sleep on my back. I had to postpone my visit to Germany. I never had an injury bigger than few scars before. I had enough time to think, maybe too much. Why did this happen? Is this my fault? Why me? Why now? Will I be ever healthy again?

I was already a big fan of Casey Neistat at that time. I liked his videos, his lifestyle, his drive, his energy and his motivation. I still like that guy a lot. I always looked up at him. It was just a guy from New York producing videos, but somehow I looked up at him. I wanted to be sporty like him, however I’ve never been. I wanted to focus on my things but I always got distracted. I wanted to do more but I never had the balls to change or to sacrifice. Before the accident I have seen his video about running, that even after a moped accident he recovered and ran marathons and ironmans, but I passed by. I wanted to change lot of things but I didn’t do anything about it.

And there I was crushed by pain, unable to sleep, laying in a bed for 1 week and concerned if I will be able to run ever again. It was an awful feeling. You can read many horror stories on the Internet. I thought a lot about pain, choices, life and myself during that week. Many people visited me and they were next to me when I needed them. I am really thankful for them, but that’s not enough. We need to have our mind there when we need it. I changed a lot during that week. I had to realize at that point that I have two choices: I can stand up and move forward or just lay there and care about my wounds. Or just as people simply say:

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I went to Germany with my cast on. I started my thesis. I flew home and started rehab. I read all what I’ve found about my injury. I took the rehab serious and I started running as soon as I could. It was painful, I couldn’t breath after 500 meter, but I went further. The thing, that I almost lost the ability to run changed many perspectives.

I realized that the answer was always just in from of me. I just had to go and do it. So simple. I run regularly, 3 times a week. I started to go to the gym as well. I take care of my eating plan. Things are easier when we’re sincere with ourselves and we’re not looking for excuses.

It was Monday, around one month ago. We spent the weekend home, we went to the gym and we were preparing for the trip to The Netherlands for the wedding of a good friend. I arrived home after work and I felt tired. Work was a bit stressful lately. My girlfriend was in the gym, so I sad, no way I will just sit on the couch, I go for a run. Shoes on, I took long sleeves as it was cold outside. I took even gloves which I usually never take. It was cold and wet, it rained earlier that day. I was running on a track which I didn’t run for a longer time. I was running longer routes, but this time I was a bit tired. I usually switch off while running, after the first few minutes my body and mind are totally separated. My body does the running, while my mind is solving things, thinking, processing or working on ideas. My mind is only there when I have a good day and I try to break my personal records. Then I focus. I ran down the path in the forest and I entered the city park. It was cold, I could see my breath in the light of the castle while I was passing by. I was getting close to the exit of the park, when I noticed that there was water right in front of the exit.

– Wait a second, it could be slippery – I said to myself – I will jump over the small fence, I did it many times when there was water before the exit.

Stepped two steps to the right and I was already in the air, jumping. But at one point something stopped me. My left leg got hanging on the fence, and I started falling. As I remember it lasted several seconds, however I know, it was just a moment. I landed on the stone walkway, and I rolled over myself. I stood up from the momentum and I was running further. I was still thinking on the same idea I was thinking before. After few steps I realized that I’ve just felt, maybe I should check myself. My right arm was hurting, but it was not so painful. My hands started to hurt as well. I walked a bit and I turned back and ran slowly home.

I went directly under the shower. I was still sweating, the pain in my arm was getting stronger. I took a shower and ate something, sugar helps usually in these situations. Sometimes I felt warm sometimes cold. I could still move my hand, it did hurt but I knew how strong the pain is, when something is broken. I decided to go early in bed. I felt asleep and hoped that in the morning everything will be better.

Woke up several times during the night, but after 5 AM I couldn’t sleep more. My arm was still hurting, and I could not move it anymore. I came out of the bed and decided to go to the hospital. Took my keys, phone and wallet and went in with the tram. Still hoped that nothing serious, they will just tell me my pain threshold is low and I should rest for a few days. After the usual administration rounds I was already in the examination room. The doctor came, a young lady. She greeted me and asked me how can she help. I explained what happened, that I cannot move my arm properly and it hurts. She sent me to x-ray. After the x-ray I was sitting in the empty waiting room. It was 7 AM. I was pretending that nothing happened, I’m fine. The nurse called me. I went into the room and she told me to sit on the bed. She was kind and polite:

– The doctor will tell you what happened – I can only tell you in advance that something is broken.

– Oh shit – I’ve sad and the doctor arrived.

– Do you know the ulna and the radius? – she asked.

– Yes, those are the two bones of the lower arm – came the answer from me.

– Well, you fractured the head of the radius. It may need to be operated.

– What??? Surgery? No way, I wand to see the x-rays – I concurred back.

– Yes, could be, but I can not decide it, you need to talk to the head physician – she answered while she showed me the images.

I received a cast from the nurse in the next few minutes, some medication and a letter that I need to get an appointment as soon as possible with the head physician for further treatment. I called the head physician office for an appointment where I was told that I have two choices. First, I can come the next day without an appointment, and wait till he will have a free slot to take me in or I need to look for another hospital. I needed to see him in the next days but they don’t have appointments left. I wasn’t angry, she told me that she is really sorry, but she cannot do more than that. So I sat next day in the waiting room and after 3 hours I was in the examination room. Well, things went too fast earlier, but at least I had time to read all the articled about this fracture from the Internet. She came in and we took a look on the X-ray images. I asked firmly that why should I undergo surgery. She didn’t have a good answer, she told me let’s do a CT. Walked down the long corridor to the CT room, after few minutes the images were ready. I went back and sat in the waiting room. I was telling myself that I can not loose hope. I won’t have to have surgery and I will recover how I did with my ankle. Easy, I already did it once, will do it again. Elbow or ankle, it’s the same.

She called me in, she wanted to show me something. She selected the images where the fracture was clearly visible. There was a 2.5 mm hole in the flat part of the radial head, that part which is rotating when I rotate my arm. The lightning hit me. I knew, I read it all over, above 2 mm displacements surgery is advised. She told me the same. Her recommendation was repair it with a surgery.

I collapsed there for a moment. I never spent more than 2 hours in a hospital. I had a small surgery when I was a child and that was a nightmare. I never wanted to see a surgery room from inside again. I could not believe this is happening to me.

– You can decide, my recommendation is to undergo surgery but you will need to decide. We have to sit together, I will tel you how the medical things work and discuss your options but you will need to decide – she broke my silence.

– How much time I have to decide? – I asked.

– You need to decide now or tomorrow, we need to plan the surgery within a week from the accident – came the answer – as there are no other patients left for today, we can discuss the details and you can decide now or tomorrow.

So I bombed her with my endless questions in the next half an hour, trying to get some ground to take the decision. Tried to get something to skip surgery. But she was clear and all the articles I read said the same. I met with another doctor the day before, and he told me the same, if the fracture is bigger than 2 mm, surgery will be required. Mine was 2.5 mm. Somehow I trusted her and I decided, I agreed to the surgery. I got a huge document to read, appointments to different examinations and the surgery appointment. I left her office, the waiting room was empty.

I called my girlfriend and told her I need the surgery. She wasn’t so happy. We need to shift our trip to the Netherlands and could not be there when my friend married. However taking the decision and knowing what’s going to happen somehow eased my mind. I had a plan, even if it was the worst case plan.

I’ve spent 4 days in the hospital including the surgery day. I was alone in a huge room for 4 days. I had enough time to think. For the weekend I could leave the hospital. This was 3 weeks ago. Since that I’m working on the rehabilitation which could take several months. Short said, there is still a lot ahead. I am still not able to type longer with my right hand, it starts hurting. I still have limitation in my movement.

I always ask myself why does this happen to me? Why me? Why do I have to even out the statistical records? I asked these questions right when they told me it’s fractured as well. When I came out from the hospital with a huge cast, I walked home, I needed some fresh air. I decided that I will not make myself a victim and I will not blame myself for this accident. I will learn what needs to be learned after such, but I’m not going to beat myself for this. It does not help. It does not take me anywhere. I promised this to myself. I f-ucked it up, I caused this, but I need to go trough it, I have to take the responsibility for my actions and live with them. I need to accept the past. I can not change that anymore. The other promise I did was that I will work harder than before to recover and to become a better version of myself.

These incidents never makes anybody happy, but it’s only a matter of thinking how we look on them. I see them as motivation, I see them a chance to look back, analyze and change ourselves. I see them a big lesson to value our lives, enjoy what we have, never give up and become a better version of ourselves. I’ll keep you all posted.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.